www.stealstellar.tumblr.com

Please dont make me laugh. Please dont make me have sugar rush. Please dont make me stare at your smile. Please dont stand so close to me. Please dont make me look forward to your text or your nagging of asking me to sleep. Please dont cos I dont want to get addicted.

I actually ate my dinner. I actually laugh out loud in town. I actually smile from the heart. I actually had fun today. Its nice being able to do that all over again.

Bottomline I think you're a really nice friend.

B: *sings muse song* And our tempe is running out. Our tempe is running out.
D: WTF?! diam lah!

Just because of the fact that I read temper as tempe(the tempe in sambal goreng), this bugger just have to add in all the tempe word inside every sentence in our conversation. Irritating moron!hahahhha

I cant wait for Christmas party tomorrow. Recycling my nova dress and ready to wear that heels. hehehe. Now Im in need of sleep unlike someone who wakes up at 4pm!

Goodnight world.

A sudden wave of sadness filled within as I sat and watch the people passing by. Holdin hands, hugging their loved ones coming back to home. Home. Something that Ive not been at for a while. My thoughts have been running evrywhere. To find a reason to stop running.

Christmas. Christmas reminds me of those times that we took lots of pictures by the streets. Those picturs that are filled with so much love. Love that I swore to myself that I would never throw it away. Love was once my motivation. Now love is crumbling away as the days pass by.

My life lately revolves a lot of people. They said its good for me so I wont think. But not me. Nope. I needed that silence. The silence for me to find my way back home and my way back to life. My own space where I dont need to put on that brave front pretending that Im strong like how always pictured myself to be. Nope. Im never strong. Im forced to.

The only person who has always seen me crumble is him. The one person that I let my heart into. I had sometimes wished he would be stroking my hair, making stupid lame jokes at that very momment. Or probably we would be smoking outside my house smoking while we bitch about others. No. That would never happen. This time he set his heart and Im forcing myself to set mine.

Nathalie asked me today how Im doing. I wished I could just cry again and tell her that my mind is going crazy and Ive cut myself so many times while slicing the lemon and burn my hand while steaming milk. I almost board the wrong bus. But I just cant. I dont know why. Sometimes I wished I knew.

Ive always been that person who has difficulties telling what Im thinking truthfully. Most of the time, I made some reasonable excuses to escape that million dollar question. I wished I wasnt that dark sometimes.

My head. It needs to stop running. Stop thinking.

Along the way I found out what I really needed. His real reason to the break up.

" eh eh eh tasha my leg getting shorter"
" EH EH TANX THANX muacks muacks muacks"
" Eh Ibbbbb!!!!!"
" I never fucking cry in front of my friends before"
" diandanidanidian"

sounds familiar?
its a secret i never tell.

Rain or shine, they are there no matter what. Soaring high or underneath below, the first person who knows how I feel.

Thousands thoughts running through my head yet no precise words to express everything.

I thought I would never bear to fill my heart with that much hatred. But today I just did. Its more than just hatred. Its disgust. As much as Im disgusted at myself for friday, atleast I have some pride and courage in me.

I cant believe that Im such a fool to cry that much. No wait. To even cried like fuck infront of others. There I was walking alone in the rain with no shoes on, crying and begging, clutching my phone. As far as Im concerned, I never wail infront of my friends. The last time I did that, it was 4 years ago.

Today I made a pact with myself. Not to look and turn back. As much as I really want to, I should never and must never look back. I would rather lead a lonely and boring life rather than have my heart placed on a thread. No amount of rain nor no amount of killers song will make me go teary again. Enough is enough.

Im home from my best cousin wedding. I sneak away from everyone cos I needed space to breath. The camera man keep forcing us to take pictures and honestly, Im not in any mood for picture taking. Mom and Dad is being the best. Helping me to escape just so I could go home and pack his stuff.

I have a last errand to do. To pack his stuff, eraze everything within my sight and memories and never look at them again. Tomorrow is the day I start being single. COngratulations Tasha. You earn it.
I had wanted to say a lot of other stuff. More of my last words but then again, its not worth my time.

Goodbye stellar. Goodbye Modker.