A sudden wave of sadness filled within as I sat and watch the people passing by. Holdin hands, hugging their loved ones coming back to home. Home. Something that Ive not been at for a while. My thoughts have been running evrywhere. To find a reason to stop running.

Christmas. Christmas reminds me of those times that we took lots of pictures by the streets. Those picturs that are filled with so much love. Love that I swore to myself that I would never throw it away. Love was once my motivation. Now love is crumbling away as the days pass by.

My life lately revolves a lot of people. They said its good for me so I wont think. But not me. Nope. I needed that silence. The silence for me to find my way back home and my way back to life. My own space where I dont need to put on that brave front pretending that Im strong like how always pictured myself to be. Nope. Im never strong. Im forced to.

The only person who has always seen me crumble is him. The one person that I let my heart into. I had sometimes wished he would be stroking my hair, making stupid lame jokes at that very momment. Or probably we would be smoking outside my house smoking while we bitch about others. No. That would never happen. This time he set his heart and Im forcing myself to set mine.

Nathalie asked me today how Im doing. I wished I could just cry again and tell her that my mind is going crazy and Ive cut myself so many times while slicing the lemon and burn my hand while steaming milk. I almost board the wrong bus. But I just cant. I dont know why. Sometimes I wished I knew.

Ive always been that person who has difficulties telling what Im thinking truthfully. Most of the time, I made some reasonable excuses to escape that million dollar question. I wished I wasnt that dark sometimes.

My head. It needs to stop running. Stop thinking.

Along the way I found out what I really needed. His real reason to the break up.